when it begins to get real hot
late spring
I get up early in the mornings
just because I can’t sleep in the heat
I grab the vegetable strainer
go outside
to our little
10 foot wide, above ground, ring pool
I use the strainer as a skimmer
get all the dead begs
not so dead bugs
and other shit
floating on the top
then I turn on the pump
if the batteries have enough
charge in the them
from the solar panels
then get in with my handheld
pool vac
and suck all the sand and shit
off the bottom of the pool
all of this
so we can just sit in the pool
during the hottest part of the day
which lasts from 9am until 5 or 6

today though,
along with all the other dead creatures
was a big fat bloated dead fucking rat
this fucker was huge
I could barely get him in the
veggie strainer
once I did,
I walked him over to the fence
swung my arm back and let’er rip
something felt weird with the throw
I felt a drop of water hit my right shoulder
so I quickly jumped to the left
just as that bloated, soaked corpse
came crashing down
covering it in sand
the strainer wasn’t going to work
so I picked it up by the tail
the weight of the water logged dead thing
was too much and it fell out of my hand
leaving all the tail skin intact
in the palm of my hand
like a dirty used condom
I shook it off my hand
and grabbed what I should’ve grabbed
in the first place
a fucking shovel
I picked it up and
launched it over the fence
spent the rest of the day
doing a deep clean of the pool
vacuuming up all the rat shit
it’s body expelled
it was over 100 degrees today
and I was glad to be in the pool

on the toilet
I was reading the wrapping
that my toilet paper came in
it said how this toilet paper
was so much better than other
toilet paper
because it’s like wiping with a rag
instead of paper
then it had a hashtag
a fucking hashtag!
#CharminClean

are you fucking serious?
are people supposed to tell their
experiences wiping their assholes
and use the hashtag #CharminClean
to help sell some rolls?
who the fuck would ever do that?
Twitter is a strange place
with strange people
but are they that ridiculous?

they also have their Facebook and
Twitter icons and
they want you to “join the conversation”
and finally,
it says, “remember to enjoy the go”
the “go” they are referring to
is the “shit”
WTF?

what kills me
is that some douchebag
probably got a corner office
for that idea

anyhow,

I wiped
didn’t really notice a huge difference
I guess if I don’t smell like shit later
I will know
#CharminClean

I got the proof of my upcoming book
it was great and surreal
it has been a lot of hard work
bringing that thing to life
I spent a week formatting it
doing it wrong many times
I’m surprised it isn’t shit
the lockdown seems to be easing
in the world
but here in the trailer
in the middle of the desert
it seems to be getting worse
too many distractions
family
pets
weather
nature
it’s too much
that said
I haven’t been writing
this is the longest I’ve gone
without getting words down
in 6 months
and I can feel it
in my soul
my bones
my mind
I feel like I’m breaking
again
I feel as though
the absence of writing
has made my mind do strange things
I keep feeling as if
I need to runaway
far away
hide somewhere
until the storm passes
but I know of no storm
what am I hiding from?
what am I wanting to run from?
yesterday
many small things happened
that pushed me over the edge
I found myself
in a parking lot
30 miles from home
wanting to dream at the top of my lungs
eyes filled with tears
me, not wanting to blink and let them roll
my breath in my mask
was shallow
I was rocking back and forth in my seat
looking around the parking lot
hoping to find someone
giving me a dirty look
that I could unleash on
beat to a bloody pulp of shit
on the hot asphalt
but there was no one
I ripped the mask off
and huffed and puffed
ripped my shirt off
still holding back my tears
holding back my screams…

not that this is the best way to
handle it
but I came home
took a load of pills
and washed it down with beers and
vodka
put on some ska
and tried to relax until the pills
kicked in

I haven’t seen my therapist
in almost two months
that hasn’t bothered me
but what has
has been going 8 days without writing
without typing
without slamming these sausage fingers
down hard on the keyboard
like I’m trying to kill the keys
like I kill the bugs all over the trailer
late at night

this feels better
I can feel my heartbeat slow
I can feel my breath go deeper
in my lungs
I should’ve never stopped writing
no matter the distractions
I need this to survive
I need this to be able to just live
as normally as I possibly can
thank you 2013 MacBook Pro
I owe you my life.

when I was in high school
there was this friend of mine
named Soo.

he was fucking hysterical
all the time
I never remember him in
a bad mood
or down,
he was high energy
all the time.

he had a dream back then
he wanted to be a wrestling
jobber.

which meant that he wanted to be
the guy
that got his ass kicked
by big name wrestlers
on house shows
and the like.

he wanted Hulk Hogan
and Randy Savage
to beat his ass.

it always boggled my mind
because I never understood
why he didn’t want to be
the champ.

he was content in just
getting his ass kicked on TV
every week.

he would mimic wrestlers,
do the moves,
but always saw himself
as on his back
looking up at the lights
on the 3 count.

I never understood it.

it’s 20+ years later
and I wonder if his dream
ever became a reality?

I have seen a pic of him
with his beautiful wife
and family.

he looks well off,
very well-to-do.

I wonder what he’s doing now?

I don’t think being a jobber
would give him the life that
he has now.

I knew people in high school
who had big dreams
but they were always the famous one,
never putting anyone over,
never laying down for
someone else’s career.

the mindset Soo had
always made me wonder,
but more than that
it made me realize
what a genuine person he was
and how there aren’t that many like
him.

most people want limelight
want the glory
want to be the champ.

but what no one realizes,
what no one remembers,
is that Soo WAS the champ
and probably still is.

my grandfather grew up during the depression
I think he was a teenager then
my grandmother was about ten years older I think
they were very stingy as they got older
I don’t blame them.

when I was little I remember
my grandfather showing me a
folded dollar bill in his wallet.
he had it there for years
to me it seemed like it had been there forever.
he told me that
as long as he kept that dollar in his wallet
and never spent it
he would never ever be broke.

that stuck with me.

years later
years after he died,
I went through his dresser
in my grandmother’s room
I found his wallet in there
I opened it
and found the folded dollar.
I remembered the story.
I took the dollar and put it in my wallet.
there it stayed
for about a week
until I needed a pack of smokes
and had no money.
smokes were about .88 cents.

that dollar
sat in my grandfather’s wallet
for decades
keeping him sane
giving him a piece of mind
that he would never be broke
the way he was during the great depression
he held that dollar
even after he died
for years
just so
one day
I could take it and spend it.

that pack of cigarettes tasted like shit
I felt awful smoking that pack
every cig that came out
I remembered what my grandfather said
until the pack was empty
and I needed another.

today
I forgot how to walk
it was terrifying
I mean, really,
completely horrific
I was outside practicing
a new walk
that would look more intimidating
when I’m at Walmart
I thought I found one
went inside to show my wife and kid
they laughed at me
and the dogs barked and jumped
they said that I wasn’t bending my knees
that I looked like there just something
wrong with me
I tried a couple of different variations
then noticed a pain in my back
so, I went back to walking normal
but my family still laughed
asking me why I was bouncing
I didn’t understand
I tried again
my shoulders were too stiff
my legs kept wanting to bounce
my arms were not mine
I don’t know who they belonged to
I tried with my hands in my pockets
I tried with my hands on my hips
but then I was swaying my ass around
swinging my hips like Monroe
sweat poured down my face
I screamed
I forgot how to fucking walk
where was MY walk?
what had I done with it?
it must still be there
somewhere
I stormed outside
tried a few different walks
none of them mine
I held my ams up over my head
tried again
what were these ridiculous things at my side?
what the fuck was I supposed to do with them?
after many failed attempts
I finally tricked my family
into thinking that I had figured it out
but I knew deep down
it wasn’t MY walk
I am hoping that when I wake tomorrow
I will just start walking around
muscle memory will kick in
everything will be back to normal.
that is the plan
but when I came inside to write this
I tripped over a cutting board
that my wife put on the floor
for some reason
laughter ensued
not from me

you became the mother
you never had to be
just because you were the woman
I always wanted
you’re a better mother
than I am a father
we don’t deserve you
not your kindness
not your warmth
not your love
you hold us together
without you we would crumble
you make us better by just being here
you make us try harder by just being you
we thank you, we love you

the gun was pointed at my face
it was only about 2 feet from me
I could reach out and touch it
if I wasn’t frozen
it was a Glock
I was looking down the barrel
it was dark in there
a void of blackness
I didn’t know why there was a gun in my face
but there was
my boss was sweating like a pig
he was a big fat mess of a man
aging not well
dents in his skull
almost hairless
everything was moving in slow motion
I couldn’t hear anything he was saying
it was all underwater mumbles
I could see his damp sausage fingers
shaking
the one on the trigger was the one I was worried about
I felt like I should put my hands up
but felt that any movement
would send him into a fit
bigger fit than the one he was having
he had never done anything like this before
when I had gone into his office
but today he did
and today he was screaming
I don’t know how long I stood there frozen
but the sound of the door next to me
broke me out of catatonia slightly
it was his underaged wife
and their 5 year old daughter
out of the corner of my eye I could see
that they weren’t nervous
they weren’t shocked
he didn’t look shocked that they were there either
this had to be something that had played out before
he kept ranting about some shit
I was still not listening
I never once thought about anything other than
“holy shit, he might shoot me”
my life didn’t flash before my eyes
I didn’t think about my family
I was just confused
his wife said something
and he took the clip out of the gun
finally taking it away from my face
I almost sighed
then he pointed it at me again
he reminded me that there was still a bullet
in the chamber
then I was able to hear his words
he said, “I only have one fucking bullet,”
then he pointed the gun at the one-way window
looking out at the bar,
“and I could still take a few of them out
just shooting them down in a straight line”
he put his gun in his briefcase
and walked passed me
his wife, very calm,
said, “see you Monday”
the door to the office shut and I was alone
wondering what the fuck just happened
turns out that he ended up getting arrested
for embezzlement, fraud, statutory rape, bestiality
and child porn

going to get togethers isn’t my thing
it’s not that I don’t like to have a good time
it’s just that these events very rarely
constitute a good time for me
especially without drink

on a random occasion of needing
to pick up some things in town
I got wrangled into a barbecue
how these things happen to me
I don’t understand
my therapist doesn’t understand
it’s one of life’s mysteries

at the BBQ
a man comes up to me a tries to
shake my hand
I’m not a handshaking guy
I don’t understand why that is something
that we feel like we need to do
the man came at me with his hand out
and I took a step back and said hello
he came closer
hand extended
I took a couple more steps back
and babbled incoherently
he finally stoped
we said our hellos and mentioned the weather
we were having
social niceties
he walked back to the grill
and I sighed in relief
women began coming out from the house
carrying plates of raw food
condiments
bags of chips and buns
normal afternoon wares
they asked me inside
I said that I liked it outdoors
even though it was hotter than shit
the man went around back and came out
with chairs
he put them right next to the damn grill
and asked me to have a seat
I chuckled and said something about needing
to stretch out my legs
he chuckled back and said something
that I either didn’t hear because I chose
not to
or I just couldn’t hear him
not knowing this bothered me for some reason
was I the cause of all my problems?
he couldn’t get the fire lit on the charcoal
how long was I going to have to suffer in this hell?
my savior came in the form of a terrifying animal

a large grey pit bull barked from around back
someone yelled that Thor got loose
this beast galloped towards me at great speed
jaws hanging open
it up towards me
I thought we would fall
but I was able to catch his forelegs
and balance myself
I heard someone say something like
“he gets frisky with new people”
I was then lost in thought thinking that his dog
might try to fuck me
while I was thinking that
it got behind me and wrapped his forelegs around my hips
Jesus Christ, I thought, I’m about to get fucked at a BBQ by a pit bull!”
I swung around fast and the monster
was jumping up at me
clawing
jaws snapping
I swung his advances off best I could
I felt his claws go into my left arm
above the elbow
I looked down and saw the blood begin to trickle down
I didn’t want the beast to get the taste
he clawed at my stomach ripping through my shirt
why wasn’t anyone trying to stop this?
I looked around quickly and saw that no one noticed or cared
they were all doing their own things
another swipe of the claws got my right forearm
slashing me good
blood came out of that one quicker
I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to start punching a dog
but I tried to put my hand into that cavernous pit
that was it’s mouth
he bit down
not as hard as I thought
but enough to break my skin
then for some reason he ran off
I was exhausted
couldn’t catch my breath
a woman asked if I wanted to come in for some water
for some stupid idiotic reason I declined
just as the sound of that monsters paws in the gravel
came up behind me
I turned just in time to see all the way down it’s threat
and into the beast’s stomach
it’s claws were in both of my shoulders and when it came down
it tore the top half of my shirt down with him
my ripped T-shirt now just clung to my fat gut
leaving my shoulders and tits exposed
no one seemed to give two fucks about what was happening
then, good ‘ol Thor found a dirty rag
and was content playing with that for awhile
the man pretended not to notice my disarray and blood
started talking nonsense again
a woman asked me a question
and I ran after the dog
after all the pain
and blood
and wardrobe malfunctions
I felt safer
playing with an animal that would either
kill me or fuck me
than to have to have a conversation with these very nice people
I tried to grab the rag from the dog
got it a couple times
played tug-o-war with it
got manhandled a couple more times
more bites on the hand
but I was in one piece
and I didn’t have to get into any awkward conversations
the things I do for a free hot dog
which I ate quickly and once everyone was looking away
I ran to my car and drove away
waving out the window

ONLY 5 DAYS LEFT to pick up my book THE END OF EVERYTHING available now at Indiegogo!