my eyes opened
full of crust and shit
so they didn’t really open at all
I had to help them
someone was mowing their lawn
I heard two cats fight
I fell off the couch trying to stand
I twisted my wrist
I felt my stomach going
I remembered
I had spent the night before
listening to rocksteady
smoking pot,
too many cigarettes
drinking wine, beer
and finally brandy
when everything else
was gone
my stomach warned me
something was coming up
I said, “no!”
I walked down the hallway
to the shitter
felt the bile crawl up my flesh tube
I said, “listen here, puke!
you ain’t coming up out my mouth”
I swallowed hard
I don’t know why I do that
just puke it out
everything is back to normal
but I don’t
then the puke screamed at me
“have it your way, cocksucker!
that’s not the only way out of here!”
my slow walk to the bathroom
became a quick jog
I dropped my pants
noticed a cum stain on the inside
did I have a wet dream?
I don’t rememb…
“jesus fucking chri…”
explosive diarrhea
shot out my ass
I was quick enough to drop it
on the toilet seat
so most of it made it in the bowl
my phone rang
Cannibal Corpse
Hammer Smashed Face
why did I have my phone?
I was going for a piss
do you take your phone for a piss?
it was my mother
“hey, where have you been?
I’ve been calling?”
“just busy”
I felt another gas bomb
I hit mute
farted out a ton of stinky shit
“well I thought you were dead!
you don’t call me!
you should call your mother!”
unmute
“I know I know
sorry”
mute
fifty pounds of waste splash
into the bowl
beershit, wineshit, brandyshit
having it’s way with
my asshole
“your sister
is trying to help me
reset a thing called a
router?”
unmute
“TV out?”
mute
burp
brown water flying out my rectum
“the dang TV won’t turn on.
when I finally got it on
I couldn’t hear Tucker”
unmute
“aw, too bad.
so it’s on?”
mute
farts of different volumes
“it is or was
now it’s just a black screen
back in my day
when we only had three channels
the TV never went out
this happens everyday!”
unmute
“yes, very horrible.”
mute
full turd velocity
toilet water and piss
splashes all over my ass
ass is dripping from many points
“I tried to pay my cell phone bill
in advance.
I don’t have a pin
what the heck is a pin?
just take my money
I’m trying to do the right thing.”
unmute
“yes, the world is a tough place”
mute
I howl in pain
as my guts turn inside out
“I used to have just one phone
now I have many”
unmute
‘it’s the way of the future”
mute
I push so hard
my asshole unravels
I have a 6 inch tail
that makes my tiny cock
jealous
“I just wish things were simpler”
unmute
“we all do”
mute
“ok, I’m leaving town tomorrow”
unmute
“that’s fine”
mute
farts
shit
water
solid
agony groan
“it was good touching base.
catching up”
unmute
“truly”
mute
“make an appointment with the doctor
you sound terrible”
I wasn’t about to tell her
my insurance expired
yesterday
fart
shit
unmute
“will do”
mute
scream
“love you”
unmute
“you too”
I pressed the red button
while she was still talking
tossed my phone into
my cum stained shorts
tried to wipe
the paper was thin
my ass was wet
you know how that bit ends
