jacaranda flowers
litter the sidewalk
like roaches
and bubblegum
they have been blooming
for weeks now
but no scent
none of that aroma
from my childhood
that makes me feel safe
and secure
none of that
until today

today
faint whiffs
the smell in my nostrils
reminding me of better times
warmer days
less responsibility
dinner on the table at 6
back when the wonder
of women
was something that kept you up
at night
in naive astonishment
instead of them keeping you up
because of the nightmares
of cruel and hard
faces and hearts

money being something
which meant you were able
to play video games at the arcade
buy candy bars, ice cream and soda pop
being able to leave the liquor store
with the comic book
instead of having to put it back
on the spinner rack
now money is something
that you never have enough of
and is spent before you get it
because all the bills and rent
are late
and the calls are getting more frequent
some things ‘shut off’

all of these thoughts
as my old dry feet
cracked and scaly
like the dinosaur they are
attached to
stomps around
in flip flops
smashing the delicate
dying blooms
under my rubber soles
and soul
staining the cracked
and uneven
sidewalk
that’s already stained
with bubblegum
dead roches
piss and shit
from human and dog

the sigh
that i just sighed
was heavier
than my 350 pounds
of fat, bone and shit
and i do not feel any better
but the jacarandas have bloomed
and are starting to fill the air
with that sweet smell
that i have missed so much