The Calm Before

I am finally calm. It seems that my whole life all i wanted was peace and quiet, but for some reason, I always thrusted myself into these situations and life choices that made the peace and quiet a far off goal. I remember saying to myself, quite regularly, I’ll work on the peace and quiet as soon as I’m done with so and so, etc. 

I was able to finally get away; whether it was of my own accord or not, I don’t think it really matters. Some could say that I chose to get away and others would say that i forced out. I really don’t care. The fact of the matter is, is that I am out!Never again will I have to deal with the pressures and the insanity of what was my every day life.

Before today, I had never seen beaches so white and water so blue. I can see through the water! Standing on the beach, I can look out, yards and yards away, and can see fish and other sea life swimming and moving around! It is truly amazing. The fact that I kept this beauty away from my life all these years makes me wants to do horrible things to myself, but, isn’t that why I’m here? To not worry about those things? To give a joyous finger to the things that bothered me, that stressed me out?

I am wearing bright colors for the first in my life. Well, that’s not true. I used to wear bright and neon colors all the time as a kid in the 1980s, as was the fashion of the time. But since? No. Never. I have on very short Bermuda shorts with a tropical pattern on them. All the colors of the rainbow! I’m wearing a very thin white, cotton, button up shirt. But guess what? It’s open! I would never willing show my bare torso to anyone! Ha!

The breeze is light. It’s not too cool and not too warm. I don’t understand why the whole population of the planet is not to bask in this! Wait. I won’t worry myself with questions any longer. My only job now is to accept. Wait. Not a job. It’s just me for now on.

I feel so good. I’ve been drinking blended alcoholic beverages. They are delicious! At one point in life, I thought that they were only for women, or, those other kind of men. But, it turns out they are just delightful! Why would rob myself years of these tasty treats? No. No questions.

The sand is so fine and feels so good between my toes. Oh, a crab! It’s just crawling sideways! It’s crossing my path! To think, a crab, just walking by in front of me. I have never seen a real crab before. A live one I mean. How interesting. 

I wave at the crab.

He just continues by.

That’s fine with me.

I can feel my cheeks getting sore. Is it the sun? Is my face burning? I touch my face and it doesn’t feel warm. It’s because I’m smiling! I guess I never really smiled this much before, the muscles are cramping. 

What was that? I heard a sound. I quickly turn and see that I am still alone on the beach. Never mind.

No more being paranoid! I smile again. My cheeks feel sore again.

There it is! That sound! What is it?

I am laughing. Out loud. 

Have I laughed so little in life that the mere sound of my own laughter seems foreign to me? I laugh loudly and remind myself, no questions. I am growing more accustom to my laughter. Good.

All day i have been out here. Walking on the beach. Going back to the “place” for more drink and food and personal things that I needed to take care of, but I haven’t swam yet.

The sun Isn’t high in the sky, but it’s not near the horizon yet. I remember, I think, that i read somewhere that sea creatures that could threaten your life are more likely to come out after the sun the goes down. Wait. No thinking. Just doing.

I finish my drink and find myself looking around me for a table to place the glass on. I laugh again. This time I know it’s me. I throw the glass behind me and hear a soft thud as it lands in the sand. I take a few steps towards the water and my feet are suddenly in the ocean that is not too warm or too cold. It is just right. 

I begin to take off my clothes, but find myself naked already! Ha! I turn and look behind me and see that my clothes are on the beach many, many footprints away, as if I took them off some time ago. No matter. This is a private beach. I paid good money for…

I won’t talk about that anymore.

I’m naked!!!

On a beach!!!

This is perhaps the…

I won’t say that word.

I’m not smiling anymore. 

Smile damnit!

Wait. Calm down. Everything feels nice…

There it is. I can feel it coming back. My smile.

Hello, smile.

As I walk out into the deeper water, my fingertips drag on the surface. I see fish being curious then darting away before they get too close. The water hits my balls and I yelp in a weird voice, then laugh at myself again. Wasn’t excepting that sensation.

The water is just above waist level now and I realize that I have been walking for some time. I turn and look to the shore and it so far away! Have I been walking for miles? It looks that far, but I can’t tell.

No questions.

Just smile.

Maybe laugh.

I turn back towards the open sea and keep walking. I walk and I walk. then suddenly I drop. The water is above my head. I open my eyes and it stings, but I don’t mind. It is beautiful down here. I turn and see the shelf that I had walked off of, it is almost a ninety degree drop. I smile.

There is no sound. Not really. I can feel the pressure on my ears, but the noise, the constant noise of the world, is… gone. 

My hands move back and forth slowly, keeping me from sinking further, but not fast enough to take me to the surface. It’s so beautiful. The temperature of the water and my body are equal. It has enveloped me. 

My lungs start to hurt. It doesn’t feel like any more air bubbles are going to come out of my nose. I can feel my heart rate climb…


No questions.

No worries.


Water is made up of oxygen. I don’t see what the problem is. Are people just fucking stupid?


Don’t think.

Only do.

I open my mouth and take a deep breath of water. I can feel it flooding my lungs. I think I exhale. I think I inhale again. I smile. 

Of course.

We came from the water.

The water has oxygen.

Why can’t we breathe it?


No questions.

I stop moving my arms back and forth. I am here now. This is where I want to be. This is paradise. This is tranquil.

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