this chick walked in
strutting
in yoga pants that were
painted on with broken brush
camel toe in front
and wedged up the back
her face seemed as if
she just smelled a nasty shit
the line at the Post Office was long
social distancing and all
she glided by all of us losers
who had been waiting in line
30 minutes or more
I read her shirt
VIBES SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
my first instinct was to trip her as she went by
maybe push her in the trash can to my right.
but today was her lucky day
social distancing and all

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windows were left open as I slept
last night.
the sun is warm in the morning like
a blanket.
the wind had finally gone the way of the
buffalo.
I sit outside in the shade
with a cup of coffee and a good book,
smoking the first cigarette of the day.
I hear flies and bees buzzing with fury
but I don’t see them anywhere.
they seem to be getting louder
but they may be invisible.
little bugs, other bugs,
keep landing in my coffee
in my book.
I keep slamming my book shut
killing the bugs and splattering
their small amounts of blood across the page.
every writer…
well most…
some writers smear their own blood
across the page with their words
but at least this book now
has some real blood.
the bugs were nice enough to get smashed
in the margins or header of each page
to not muddy the print.
I appreciate that.

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I pulled up to Walmart
but still had a cig burning
I decided to finish it
before getting out of the car.
Madness was playing on the
stereo.
then,
oh fuck, the bloody “then”,
this new sliver hatchback
parked next to me.
out of it came two
identical assholes.
black polo shirts
khaki shorts
shades
same stupid haircut.
one fucker said, “damn I can’t
believe how long that car ride was!”
“yeah, bro!” said the second douche bag.
this meant that they were from out
of town..
ignoring the stay-at-home order
ignoring social distancing.
I was getting angry
but they walked off quickly enough.
two drags of my smoke later
they were back
huffing and puffing
cussing and bitching
about how fucking stupid it was that
Walmart made them go back to the car
and get their masks.
they said all sorts of idiotic things
that made rage fill up my chest
and move up my neck and shoulders
I put my smoke out
got out of the Matt-Moblie
cracked my knuckles
pushed the button on my
Chain Chomp key chain to lock the car
and followed them
with more burning hatred
than they had
for having to walk back to their car.

these are the same fuckers
that will grow up in two years
and be the bankers
brokers
real-estate agents
loan specialists
and every other kind of bullshit
job that makes guys like me
want to go on some sort of spree
where people end up dead.
these douchy fucks.

I followed them close
they were in a hurry
they ran right passed the baskets
I needed one.
they were a bit ahead of me
but once I got the tomatoes,
I had lost them.
I looked around for a few minutes
while upholding social distancing rules
but never saw them again.
I thought about it after
how the hell was I going to
make their faces bleed
and their bones make those sweet
cracking and popping sounds
that I like so much
while staying 6 feet away from them?
I guess it’s good they got away,
my arms are very short.

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I was two days off, on what the date was
that happens
but the thing that has been ruling my life
my whole life
is a little fucking thing
called a clock.
I always look at it
always worrying about what it will say
always conserned about what time it will tell me.
it fucking sucks.
every job I ever had
nearly killed me
and it wasn’t the job that did the killing.
it was the waiting
the constant waiting
for the time to be right
for me to leave my place
to get to work
then waiting for the clock to tell me I could go home.
then making sure that I had enough time
to do everything I that needing doing
before I had to make sure I had enough time to get there again.
fuck that shit.
I would rather be a little poorer
not having to look at that ugly fucking face
the ugly fucking face of a clock
with it’s 2 stupid hands
that do nothing but fill me with anxiety and rage.
the only people that don’t have to worry about that
are maybe the homeless and the retired
but if you are retired then I guess you tell time
by what show is on the TV
that’s why those are bad too.
the thing that gets me now
are appointments.
if I have to go to the doctor
I try to make it later in the day
because if it’s early
I won’t be able to sleep the night before
because I’m scared that I will miss it
so I make them later in the day
and still can’t sleep
because I think it may that one day that I sleep
until fucking 4 o’clock.
then I get up before the sun comes up
and can’t do anything else
but stare at that ugly fucking clock
and wait and wait and wait
until it’s time for me to leave to get whatever I’m
going 15 minutes early so that I won’t be late
because that’s a whole other anxiety I have
which should be saved for another poem.
the point is, I will not be ruled by a fucking clock anymore.
digital clocks don’t change anything by the way.
I need to stop this now.
I have been holding my breath this whole time
and my heart is beating out of my cheast.
this was supposed to make me feel better.
no more clocks, I’m done.

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I was listening to Joy Division
it reminded me of someone
I knew, that liked them.
I didn’t like that.

I listened to pil
I hadn’t heard that song since the 80s
it reminded me of when I liked it.

I heard The Smiths
that first song I heard
so long ago
that I loved
it reminded me of simpler
times.

Spellbound came on
it reminded me of her,
but not really her,
more of her friends.
I didn’t like that too much
either.

why do so many songs
remind us not of feelings
but of people?

I wish I could remember the feelings
more.
that would be great.

I could remember good times
before they became bad
I could just feel the love
the lust
the fun
without all the shit
without all of the “them’s”

I am taking back music.
I am taking back all those great songs
that you have held hostage
in your prison
in my mind.

you don’t own them.
I will place them with
different memories
and associate them with
my feelings
not what the repercussions
of those feelings provide
but simple moods
and good feelings
of good times.

you should do the same.

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Kenny lived across the street from me
when I was a little kid
in Cypress
me and Kenny played outside
all day
everyday
as long as we could.
until the street lights came on.
one summer,
when we were about six
a girl moved in down the street
A GIRL!
she would ride her big wheel down
and watch us playing
hoping we would ask her to join.
Kenny liked Hot Wheels
I liked He-Man.
that meant we usually played
Hot Wheels
Kenny’s yard that summer
was all dirt
they were in the process
of a new thing I just heard about
called
landscaping
I had no clue what it meant
other than we got to play
in the dirt
all day
everyday
as long as we could
until the street lights came on.

so that day,
we had made a huge track for the cars
we made little caves
to park our cars
it was great
we made stupid noises with our mouths
and ran the cars along the tracks
then the new girl
on the big wheel came over
we didn’t know how to talk to her
she was blonde
pretty.
no one said anything.
then finally she said, “can I play?”
“do you have your own cars?” I snapped.
she looked sad.
“no,” she said.
Kenny let out an angry sigh.
“I think I have something you can use,” he said.
he brought back a Jeep that was white
and pink
I never had seen it before.
he handed it to her
looked at me and shrugged.
“it’s a Matchbox,” he said.
“oh,” I said. and we went along driving
through the tracks in the dirt.
the new girl’s name was Annie and
she seemed to be having fun.
Kenny said, “no, you have to go make
yourself a place to park
so you can sleep.”
“I don’t want to sleep,” she said.
“you need a garage,” he shouted.
“I don’t want to park the car though,” she said.
“I want to keep driving it around,” she said.
“but you HAVE TO!” Kenny shouted.
“it’s the rules,” he said.
we sat there silent.
I opened my mouth,
“she could park in my garage,” I said.
she smiled.
“okay,” she said.
Kenny’s eye grew large
his face turned red.
“no way!” he shouted.
“you can park your car in my garage!” he screamed.
“she’s parking in mine!” I yelled back.
he grabbed the car out of her hand
made motor noises with his mouth
while he drove it in to his garage cave and parked.
he smirked.
I grabbed the jeep
made my own noises
and drove the car into my garage and parked it.
Kenny grabbed it.
Annie looked scared.
“let go of that Jeep!” I shouted.
“make me,” he said.
I punched him right under the jaw.
hard as shit!
he howled like a dog
grabbed his chin
ran into his house.
he was screaming, “MOMMY!”
Annie and I looked at each other
with eyes full of fear.
we both ran away
her to the right and
me straight across the road.
I slammed my door
looking out the window.
nothing happened.
I told my grandpa
he said to call him up
and apologize.
I went into the kitchen
called him up.
said sorry and asked if he still wanted to play.
a couple minutes later
we were back in the dirt
making sounds
driving cars
then Kenny said, “girls are dumb.”
“yeah,” I said.
“let’s not play with girls anymore,” he said.
“they just cause problems,” I said.

so wise
at such a young age
what happened to my wisdom?

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I finally got to see a doctor
I had been waiting for almost two months
when I got there
the amount of paperwork
I had to fill out
was truly disgusting.
there was so much of it
I would flip a page
and it seemed that
the other pages would multiply
the stack would to get bigger
each time I killed the page before it
I thought I’d scream.
people kept coming in the waiting room
they would sign in
seconds later,
they would be called in
and my paperwork kept
procreating.

I was finally taken into an exam room
there was a chart showing all the muscles
in your body
that you could sprain.
what’s the fucking point, I thought.
we are so fragile.
we, as humans, are a sad joke.
we shouldn’t have been able to survive.
when I talk to an evolutionist,
I wonder how they can think
that we are the fittest.
how could we have evolved into this?
we should all be dead at birth.
how the hell have we’ve been able
to SURVIVE?

the man said he liked my beard.
that grounded me into reality.
he said that he couldn’t grow one like mine yet.
he’s only 19.
“you’re not my fucking doctor are you?” I asked.
“no, no, no.”
“okay, then.”

he asked if I smoked.
I said I did.
he asked if I drank coffee
I said I did.
“why do you do that to your heart, bro?” he asked.
how the fuck should I know? I thought.
I shrugged.
he said, “it’s cool man. I know how you be.”
what the fuck is going on? I thought.
he asked if I was straight.
I told him I was.
he told me to smoke pot.
I told him I would
he talked about burning his throat.
I couldn’t listen to him.
I didn’t know what was happening.
WHERE IS THE FUCKING DOCTOR?

the doctor came in.
good bedside manner.
talked calmly.
he wanted tests.
he wanted x-rays.
he wanted it all!

I went to the lab.
it was in a small indoor mall.
I was the only person walking through it.
it felt like the world had ended.
I was the Omega Man.
I didn’t know how that could’ve happened.
I should’ve been dead long ago.

I walked into the lab
and the first thing I saw in the waiting room
was me.
ME!
but not now,
in the future.
how long?
I couldn’t tell you.
I was sitting there.
I was wearing the same shorts I had on now.
I was wearing the same black tank top
that I had on now.
my beard was the same length but
was now snowy white
my tattoos were a little faded
I was leaning forward onto the handle
of an oxygen tank
with tubes up my nose.

the cigarettes had finally got me!
the bastards!
how dare them
after all the money I put into them
how could they treat me that way?

I left.

I couldn’t do the labs.
my doctor would just have to look at me
and guess
I found out that I get a little fatter
and have trouble breathing
in the future.
I will tell my doctor that
and see what he can do
to stop the inevitable.

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2 butterflies
were fluttering around
each other.
having fun,
playing,
mating,
I don’t know what the hell
they were doing.
but they were carefree.
it seemed nice.
I watched them for some time.
I smiled.
exhaled and was calm.
why can’t I be like that?
they fluttered around
towards the highway
without a care in the world.
a semi truck came by
they exploded on the windshield
and that was the end of that.
I guess that’s why we aren’t
completely carefree.
we have to always be aware
that giant metal monsters
can wipe us out of existence
in less than a second.
I sighed,
frowned,
and thought about the bills
that needed paying.

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I pulled up at the gas station
one month into COVID lockdown.
put my mask up over my face
my beard was long
and all caught up in the mask
wild hair shot out the side
making me look like a psychopath.
the coffee filter inside my mask
was the same one from the last
3 times out.
was that okay?
how was I to know?
I still don’t know.

I walked inside the mart
grabbed myself a Mtn. Dew
grabbed my wife an Arizona
as I headed for the wine
something happened.

I have this horrible affliction
my mouth builds up so much spit
that sometimes I choke on it.
it’s like drowning.
I cough and hack until my
eyeballs feel like they’ll pop out
until my ears feel like they’d explode.

this happened in the gas station mart.

I coughed and hacked
tried to stop it
and farted a high pitch trumpet sound.

I heard someone yell, “what the fuck?”

I coughed more
gasping for breath
farted once more
looked around
there were 3 men
big men
two of them had masks on
one of them was pulling up
a bandana up over his face.

I had read articles about
people getting their ass kicked
for coughing in public.
was this about to happen?

I finally cleared my throat
and yelled, “okay you fuckers! you want
some, I’ll take all of ya. one at a time.
just let me put down this bottle of Dew
and this Arizona.”
I coughed again
then pushed out another fart
just to seem like a nut.
this one was loud and full of bass.
it was like I had squashed a large duck
beneath my foot,
or just shit my pants.

no one moved.

“come on!” I shouted.
one of them was between me and the wine
so there went those weapons…

one by one, they went back to
shopping quietly.
I had to clear my throat a couple more
times
and as soon as they had paid the cashier,
I made my purchase, left and got in the car.

I saw that the men were still in the lot
looking at my car.
I checked my phone.
shit.
my wife texted to ask that I get the kid
a bag of chips.

I waited until I knew the store was empty
and that the men had driven off.
I got the chips.

I was nervous on the way home
looked in the rear view and saw
a cop coming up behind pretty fast.
one of them had called it in
the bastards!
I hung my head in defeat
looked back in the rear view
and saw that the cop
was really just a soccer mom
in a chevy.
she passed me
the rest of the drive
was uneventful.

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