8 days in an ever-growing hell

I got the proof of my upcoming book
it was great and surreal
it has been a lot of hard work
bringing that thing to life
I spent a week formatting it
doing it wrong many times
I’m surprised it isn’t shit
the lockdown seems to be easing
in the world
but here in the trailer
in the middle of the desert
it seems to be getting worse
too many distractions
family
pets
weather
nature
it’s too much
that said
I haven’t been writing
this is the longest I’ve gone
without getting words down
in 6 months
and I can feel it
in my soul
my bones
my mind
I feel like I’m breaking
again
I feel as though
the absence of writing
has made my mind do strange things
I keep feeling as if
I need to runaway
far away
hide somewhere
until the storm passes
but I know of no storm
what am I hiding from?
what am I wanting to run from?
yesterday
many small things happened
that pushed me over the edge
I found myself
in a parking lot
30 miles from home
wanting to dream at the top of my lungs
eyes filled with tears
me, not wanting to blink and let them roll
my breath in my mask
was shallow
I was rocking back and forth in my seat
looking around the parking lot
hoping to find someone
giving me a dirty look
that I could unleash on
beat to a bloody pulp of shit
on the hot asphalt
but there was no one
I ripped the mask off
and huffed and puffed
ripped my shirt off
still holding back my tears
holding back my screams…

not that this is the best way to
handle it
but I came home
took a load of pills
and washed it down with beers and
vodka
put on some ska
and tried to relax until the pills
kicked in

I haven’t seen my therapist
in almost two months
that hasn’t bothered me
but what has
has been going 8 days without writing
without typing
without slamming these sausage fingers
down hard on the keyboard
like I’m trying to kill the keys
like I kill the bugs all over the trailer
late at night

this feels better
I can feel my heartbeat slow
I can feel my breath go deeper
in my lungs
I should’ve never stopped writing
no matter the distractions
I need this to survive
I need this to be able to just live
as normally as I possibly can
thank you 2013 MacBook Pro
I owe you my life.

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