the problem with water

when I’m getting drunk
I know to stay close
to a bathroom
because I’m going to be
drinking a lot of wine
and maybe other stuff

the problem with water
is that you go about your
everyday life
sucking it in
with no care
about where you
will have to whip that
fucker out

it was hot today
up on the mountain
and hotter down the mountain
I took a liter of water
drank it down
then drank a large cup of water
from Del Taco
then got a grande ice water
and a grande Americano
from you know where

I needed a piss after Del Taco
but thought I could make it
up the mountain
while I sweated out of
every pore and orifice
which stupid me thought
would take some of the piss
from my bladder
and just sweat it out
it makes sense
we are defective
we being the human race

by the time I made it
up the mountain
I needed gas
stopped at a station
did the pee pee dance
at the pump
and soon found out
that the bathroom inside
was closed
the porta-potty outside
was my only hope

I swung the car around
like a small hurricane
entered the grey rectangle
and was immediately attacked
by an army of angry flies
protecting their score
I turned and held my breath
trying to figure out how to
latch the stupid door
I turned back and was
in shock
to see the mound
of human waste
almost as high as the seat

the flies that had been
feasting on 100s
of peoples feces
jumped up at me with the hatred
of millions of years
of their evolution
they were worried
that I wanted their hot lunch
looking again
it wasn’t just shit in that
fuck hole
it was piss
toilet paper
and even a couple of
baby diapers
plus two more
on the floor

the thing that upset me most
was a turd on top on the pile
it sat nicely
on a plate of wadded up
it was solid and black
it was shaped like a giant U
like it was telling me something
that piece of shit was saying
as in
and because it was shit
I thought it was saying
“U shit”
not a command
but an insult

I gagged
then turned left
to the weird urinal
flopped out
pissed a piss
that would never end
because of all the
fucking water
I drank

because I was stuck
the flies thought
now was the time to strike
they landed on my arm
my shirt
the top of my head
and I couldn’t help but think
that all these little critters
were just seconds before
standing on
and baby diapers

my mouth filled with puke
for some stupid fucking reason
I swallowed it
I needed out of that shit shack
put my dick back in my shorts
while I was still pissing
urine running down my front
but I couldn’t open
the stupid latch
on the stupid door
starting shaking it
like a trapped maniac
but worried that
the whole thing would tip
this thought
brought a nice warm mouthful
back up from my guts
and for some stupid reason again
I swallowed it

got the door open
still pissing down both legs
got in my car
I still smelled the shit pile
I felt it all over every part of me
that those fucking shit eating flies
crawled over me
like a pro
I let loose two stomachfuls of
hot bile
all over the floorboard
of the passenger seat of my car

the wind was warm
the sun was hot
I smelled of piss
and had remnants
of 100 peoples bodily fluids
all over my body
I let it go once more
this time
splattering against
the steering wheel
and back all over me
but I finally

Get your copy of FINGERING THE MUNDANE my early poems. It’s a collection of 6 out of print chapbooks. 250 pages of poetry!

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