going to get togethers isn’t my thing
it’s not that I don’t like to have a good time
it’s just that these events very rarely
constitute a good time for me
especially without drink
on a random occasion of needing
to pick up some things in town
I got wrangled into a barbecue
how these things happen to me
I don’t understand
my therapist doesn’t understand
it’s one of life’s mysteries
at the BBQ
a man comes up to me a tries to
shake my hand
I’m not a handshaking guy
I don’t understand why that is something
that we feel like we need to do
the man came at me with his hand out
and I took a step back and said hello
he came closer
hand extended
I took a couple more steps back
and babbled incoherently
he finally stoped
we said our hellos and mentioned the weather
we were having
social niceties
he walked back to the grill
and I sighed in relief
women began coming out from the house
carrying plates of raw food
condiments
bags of chips and buns
normal afternoon wares
they asked me inside
I said that I liked it outdoors
even though it was hotter than shit
the man went around back and came out
with chairs
he put them right next to the damn grill
and asked me to have a seat
I chuckled and said something about needing
to stretch out my legs
he chuckled back and said something
that I either didn’t hear because I chose
not to
or I just couldn’t hear him
not knowing this bothered me for some reason
was I the cause of all my problems?
he couldn’t get the fire lit on the charcoal
how long was I going to have to suffer in this hell?
my savior came in the form of a terrifying animal
a large grey pit bull barked from around back
someone yelled that Thor got loose
this beast galloped towards me at great speed
jaws hanging open
it up towards me
I thought we would fall
but I was able to catch his forelegs
and balance myself
I heard someone say something like
“he gets frisky with new people”
I was then lost in thought thinking that his dog
might try to fuck me
while I was thinking that
it got behind me and wrapped his forelegs around my hips
Jesus Christ, I thought, I’m about to get fucked at a BBQ by a pit bull!”
I swung around fast and the monster
was jumping up at me
clawing
jaws snapping
I swung his advances off best I could
I felt his claws go into my left arm
above the elbow
I looked down and saw the blood begin to trickle down
I didn’t want the beast to get the taste
he clawed at my stomach ripping through my shirt
why wasn’t anyone trying to stop this?
I looked around quickly and saw that no one noticed or cared
they were all doing their own things
another swipe of the claws got my right forearm
slashing me good
blood came out of that one quicker
I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to start punching a dog
but I tried to put my hand into that cavernous pit
that was it’s mouth
he bit down
not as hard as I thought
but enough to break my skin
then for some reason he ran off
I was exhausted
couldn’t catch my breath
a woman asked if I wanted to come in for some water
for some stupid idiotic reason I declined
just as the sound of that monsters paws in the gravel
came up behind me
I turned just in time to see all the way down it’s threat
and into the beast’s stomach
it’s claws were in both of my shoulders and when it came down
it tore the top half of my shirt down with him
my ripped T-shirt now just clung to my fat gut
leaving my shoulders and tits exposed
no one seemed to give two fucks about what was happening
then, good ‘ol Thor found a dirty rag
and was content playing with that for awhile
the man pretended not to notice my disarray and blood
started talking nonsense again
a woman asked me a question
and I ran after the dog
after all the pain
and blood
and wardrobe malfunctions
I felt safer
playing with an animal that would either
kill me or fuck me
than to have to have a conversation with these very nice people
I tried to grab the rag from the dog
got it a couple times
played tug-o-war with it
got manhandled a couple more times
more bites on the hand
but I was in one piece
and I didn’t have to get into any awkward conversations
the things I do for a free hot dog
which I ate quickly and once everyone was looking away
I ran to my car and drove away
waving out the window
ONLY 5 DAYS LEFT to pick up my book THE END OF EVERYTHING available now at Indiegogo!
