toilet paper criminal

I try, so hard, everyday, to make myself
look like a complete madman
in the hopes of never having anyone
come up to me and say anything at all.
for some reason,
it doesn’t fucking work.
yesterday, this dude comes up
offers me $25
to push his Jeep from the parking lot
to who knows where.
I could’ve used the green,
but didn’t understand him.
I wanted away from the man.

today, I go to the store
coronavirus be damned
CDC be damned
the place is a fucking zoo
with nothing on the shelves.
I looked for toilet paper,
none.
I found two bottles of wine,
earplugs,
antihistamines,
that’s it.
I go to get in one of the long lines
when this big, beautiful, black woman
stops me
asks me to buy her toilet paper for her.
she had 2 big packs in her cart.
I didn’t understand
I wanted to walk away
she said she would pay for it
I just had to do it
cuz they would only give her one.
I understood.
reluctantly agreed.
we got in line and she grabbed my hand
I was shocked
but she was only trying to put a 20
in my palm.
I was going to pay for mine with a 20
so I didn’t know how the change
would work.
I told her not to worry about it
I gave her the money back
said I would pay for it
she said I was sweet and not to worry
she smiled and stood closer
then said that she would pay me outside
I did the deed.
she asked how much the wine was
I told her about $6.
she asked what I liked to eat,
I told her anything really.
she showed me how to tell if
$100 was fake.
we were becoming fast friends
for some reason.
partners in crime, I guess.

I had
broke all the rules of coronavirus
and the store.
waited outside
we made the trade.
she gave me $5.
I was surprised when I saw that
her phone number
wasn’t written on the bill.

I didn’t feel like crap about my crime.
I wondered if she would think of me
every time she wiped her ass?
I got home and asked my kid
why people talk to me when I look like
such a lunatic
she said I don’t and that I look like
a big cuddly teddy bear.
fuck.

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