coughing into a COVID mask

I pulled up at the gas station
one month into COVID lockdown.
put my mask up over my face
my beard was long
and all caught up in the mask
wild hair shot out the side
making me look like a psychopath.
the coffee filter inside my mask
was the same one from the last
3 times out.
was that okay?
how was I to know?
I still don’t know.

I walked inside the mart
grabbed myself a Mtn. Dew
grabbed my wife an Arizona
as I headed for the wine
something happened.

I have this horrible affliction
my mouth builds up so much spit
that sometimes I choke on it.
it’s like drowning.
I cough and hack until my
eyeballs feel like they’ll pop out
until my ears feel like they’d explode.

this happened in the gas station mart.

I coughed and hacked
tried to stop it
and farted a high pitch trumpet sound.

I heard someone yell, “what the fuck?”

I coughed more
gasping for breath
farted once more
looked around
there were 3 men
big men
two of them had masks on
one of them was pulling up
a bandana up over his face.

I had read articles about
people getting their ass kicked
for coughing in public.
was this about to happen?

I finally cleared my throat
and yelled, “okay you fuckers! you want
some, I’ll take all of ya. one at a time.
just let me put down this bottle of Dew
and this Arizona.”
I coughed again
then pushed out another fart
just to seem like a nut.
this one was loud and full of bass.
it was like I had squashed a large duck
beneath my foot,
or just shit my pants.

no one moved.

“come on!” I shouted.
one of them was between me and the wine
so there went those weapons…

one by one, they went back to
shopping quietly.
I had to clear my throat a couple more
times
and as soon as they had paid the cashier,
I made my purchase, left and got in the car.

I saw that the men were still in the lot
looking at my car.
I checked my phone.
shit.
my wife texted to ask that I get the kid
a bag of chips.

I waited until I knew the store was empty
and that the men had driven off.
I got the chips.

I was nervous on the way home
looked in the rear view and saw
a cop coming up behind pretty fast.
one of them had called it in
the bastards!
I hung my head in defeat
looked back in the rear view
and saw that the cop
was really just a soccer mom
in a chevy.
she passed me
the rest of the drive
was uneventful.

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4 Comments

  1. This is awesome 👏!!!!

  2. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard since this whole Covid-19 stuff began.

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