blue ball brain

I am going down the mountain
to Walmart
to buy myself
a shitty
PC laptop
to try to save my soul
because my 9 year old
MacBook Pro
has died
I am very sad
and for the last 3 days
I really havent written more
than just a remienance

I tried to get aproved
for Apple credit
so I could get a new
MacBook Air
for only $89 a month
for 12 months
I thought that was a good deal
but alas
my credit
has seemed to taken a dive
over a bunch of bullshit
that I know
not much about

I’m losing my
mental faculties
because I am getting
intellectual blue balls
things are not happening
the way they should be happening
I’m not releasing
the way I’m used to releasing
my mind is clogged
like a toilet
full of shit
long hair
and used tampons

today also happens to be
the anniversary
of the birth of my mother
she was born in 1949
it is now 2021
that makes her an age
of which adding those numbers
or the numbers that are
apart from it
I think that’s also called
I can’t even do simple math
my brain is not working

I called her
just to wish her
a happy birthday
and she pissed me off
I began to shout crazy things
like the Taliban
should just blow up DMV’s
and this may make a lot of
to take their side
this made my mother upset
this really put a crimp
in her red white and blue
patriotic Depends

happy birthday mom

I am stuck in traffic
on a mountain road
I need to get that computer quick
or else I feel like
my brain will pop
there’s too much going on up here
too many horrific fucking
events taking place
even the true stories of normality
are disgusting and terrifying

why is there road work in the
middle of the day?
fucking Cal-Trans
I think I would rather reform
than the police department

I see a lot of mother fuckers here
just wandering around
not doing anything
leaning on shit
having a smoke
a laugh
I think there needs to be
some great
in Cal-Trans

I see lots of vehicles
these are tax payer vehicles
this is coming from the same
that wanted to grill me
on the cross
over a $200 tax return
I was due

they didn’t believe
how I was getting my money
being a poet
being a fucking writer
here are 30 fucking Cal-Trans
and all these mother fuckers
standing around
doing absolutely dick

they said they
wanted to see how I keep track
of my sales
I just tipped my hat
and said good day
they can fuck me next year
I just don’t have time for this shit
I am only one man
I am not a corporation
don’t they know what
sole proprietorship
I am an individual
I don’t have an EIN
I am a SSN mother fucker
that’s it

I was talking to the woman today
and she said
will you please
go down the fucking mountain
and get a fucking computer please
any computer
doesn’t matter how shitty it is
buy the shittiest computer
because I don’t know who I’m talking
to right now
the things coming out of your mouth
are absolute madness

I said
shit baby
it’s me

she said
I want to believe that
but the things coming out your mouth
are making me not so sure

so here I am
on a mountain road
in traffic
in the middle of the day
in the heat
with more Cal-Trans workers
than human beings

I’m gonna go to Walmart
and I’m gonna say
bring out your cheapest
acer laptop
I’m taking it home with me
you don’t have to wrap it

he’ll say
would like the 90 day warranty

and I’ll say
I throw caution to the wind
I am living on the edge of a
razor blade
I do not need your warranty
fuck your warranty
I need your cheapest typing machine
your most inexpensive

I need this or else my blue ball brain
will fucking burst
blood and spunk
all over everyone
in this god damn
fucking store

he’ll ask
how much storage do you need?

I’ll say
it doesn’t matter man
I got the fucking cloud man
the fucking cloud
C-L-O-U-D man
the cloud

just give me a fucking machine
that turns on
makes words appear
in the Great White Void
when I type them
so that I can release

I need to release
the hounds of my brain
the semen of my wet noodle
I just need that god damn machine
I have become so dependent
on my god damn writing

my writing is a drug
against madness
against insanity

I don’t know how much
a new shitty fucking acer costs
I don’t even know how much money
I have in the fucking bank
I fucking went to MacDonald’s today
to get breakfast
and I spent $50!
fifty fucking dollars
at MacDonald’s
for breakfast!

what does McDonald’s
put in their coffee?
I believe that the combination
of my unreleased blue ball brain
and McCafe coffee
has turned me into a bit
of a psychopath

I wonder if there are people that
feel like this everyday?
without a blue balled brain
without McCafe coffee?
that would be a horrible feeling
what would happen
if they did have the coffee?
that’s horrific

there are bills I need to pay
the water bill was due Monday
the gas bill was due weeks ago
and I’m going down the mountain
to purchase a new computer
while I’m there
I might get an oil change
a pedicure
an ice water
a cup of coffee
what are priorities
it’s not hard to pay bills
I have the money

I think I am
going crazy
I need to shoot a brain load
or else I’ll cramp up


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